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not dead..

i am not dead.
(that was an actual question i received)

i know i hadn't updated this journal for a while, but didn't realise that it had been this long..
i don't have to explain myself to anyone, i know that. but i'd like to.
the weeks following my last update, i've been mostly busy with work. but then things got bad. or i did.

stress, anxiety, insomnia.. and a good old fashioned panic attack thrown in somewhere as a bonus..
i even messed up a short vacation of saskia and me. i feel especially bad about that, even though she tells me over and over again that i shouldn't have to. i couldn't unwind. i wasn't able to just let go and relax.

i went to see my therapist.
(in short) according to her, a series of minor setbacks affected me more than they should have and weeks of cumulative stress about stuff, most likely caused the panic attack. at one point during our conversation she was about to prescribe me something called Lexapro, but later on she changed her mind and advised me to just double my daily dose of Zyprexa. i'm not sure if this has any significance, perhaps for those of you with some medical training.

i'm doing better this week. it feels like i have more control over my life than i've had the whole year. i'm also getting lots of sleep. & i'm permitting myself to watch a film or read a book without feeling guilty when thinking about all the things i ought to be doing.

thanks for the nudge, the vgift & the emails. i appreciate it more than you might think.
i wish you love..



( 6 comments — Leave a comment )
Sep. 19th, 2008 06:27 am (UTC)
Sep. 19th, 2008 10:21 am (UTC)
yay! good to see you're feeling better. and still around, obviously. hang in there. *hugs*

Sep. 19th, 2008 07:25 pm (UTC)
Take care!
Sep. 20th, 2008 06:37 pm (UTC)
So glad your not dead, the world would be at such a loss without you in it!
*big Hugs*
Sep. 21st, 2008 10:09 am (UTC)
I've been there and know what you are going through. You have my thoughts and prayers. We each get through it in our own way. I am happy to listen and share my experience if you want
Oct. 19th, 2008 03:07 am (UTC)
i'm not dead either, yup
thank you for the reply. hi!
i post hardly never lately either, tis true,
and did & thanks to you replying am here
catching up
& appreciating the delicate disclosures
as we all get on in our years
& aging spurts are ever new epiphanies
of our realities
sympathetically shared.

i'll be back after drawing penzil be put down...
(& whomever has the lotus icon here, beautiful.
i love those cars.)
( 6 comments — Leave a comment )